The Politics of Politeness

When "Nice" Becomes a Burden

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

There’s a peculiar thing about being raised in certain cultures, particularly African ones: politeness is drilled into your very being before you can even walk properly. Say "please," say "thank you," kneel to greet, never speak when adults are speaking, and—heaven forbid—don’t ever let your face show what your mouth dares not say. Politeness is an unspoken religion, and non-adherence is heresy.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Politeness is a virtue. The world could use more people who hold doors open, send thank-you notes, and genuinely smile when they ask, “How are you?” But the kind of politeness I’m talking about—the over-politeness that feels like a suffocating blanket—is the kind that can quietly ruin lives. It’s the type that teaches you to shrink yourself so others feel bigger. It’s the type that makes you apologise for existing in someone else’s space.

Take, for example, the unspoken rule that if someone older says something ignorant, you smile and nod. Or if a guest shows up unannounced, you offer them your best chair, your best food, and maybe even your firstborn. (Okay, not really, but it feels close.) It’s all very polite—and absolutely exhausting.

Politeness, when weaponised, is a way to silence you. It’s the reason women have stayed in bad relationships far too long because leaving would make them "unkind." It’s the reason some of us have agreed to ridiculous requests we had no business saying yes to because saying no would make us "rude." Politeness becomes a leash, keeping you tethered to expectations that were never yours in the first place.

But here’s the thing: politeness is not inherently bad. It’s the overextension of politeness that becomes a problem. When it makes you compromise your boundaries, swallow your convictions, and suppress your voice, it stops being a virtue and becomes a burden.

So, how do we fix this? How do we unlearn generations of being nice to a fault? Start by remembering that being kind is different from being agreeable. Kindness is rooted in respect—for yourself and others. Agreeableness often comes at your own expense.

Practice saying no without justifying it. (Trust me, "no" is a complete sentence.) Challenge yourself to speak up even if your voice shakes. And for goodness' sake, stop apologising for things you don’t need to be sorry for.

Life is too short to carry the burden of unnecessary politeness. Be kind, yes. But also be firm. Be honest. Be real. And remember, the world doesn’t need more people who are nice—it needs more people who are true.