Guide for Men Who Want to Cheat

Things Never to Say

Let’s assume you’re one of those men—the type who thinks infidelity is a clever game and their partner is blissfully oblivious. (Spoiler: she’s not.)

Here’s your tongue-in-cheek guide to things never to say if you want to continue this ridiculous charade. And while we’re at it, consider this your reminder that maybe, just maybe, honesty and loyalty are better long-term strategies.

Photo by 愚木混株 cdd20 on Unsplash

1. “She’s just a friend.”

Ah, yes. The classic line. Nothing screams guilt like a man repeating “just a friend” for the fifteenth time. If you have to emphasise it, she’s probably not just a friend. Also, why is your “friend” texting you at 11 p.m. about how lonely she feels? Men, if you’re cheating, don’t insult her intelligence with this tired excuse. And while you’re at it, maybe ask yourself why your “friendship” requires so many emojis.

2. “You’re being paranoid.”

Translation: “You’ve caught on to me, and I need you to feel crazy so I can keep doing what I’m doing.” Gaslighting is the hallmark of a man on the brink of getting caught. If your partner’s intuition is kicking in, don’t dismiss it. Women have an uncanny ability to sense things. It’s called emotional intelligence—something you might want to Google before your next shady rendezvous.

3. “I didn’t have my phone on me.”

Sir, it’s 2024. Who doesn’t have their phone on them? Are you suddenly a monk in silent retreat? If you’re going to lie, at least make it believable. Better yet, stop lying altogether. She knows you weren’t “busy at work.” She’s already checked your location, your Instagram likes, and your browser history. You’re not sneaky; you’re predictable.

4. “I didn’t notice her.”

Oh, you didn’t? The woman in the short red dress who smiled at you for a little too long while you “didn’t notice” her? The same woman you complimented five minutes later? Sure, Jan. Men, if you’re cheating, at least acknowledge the obvious. Denying what’s clearly in front of both your faces only makes you look guilty and bad at lying.

5. “You’re being dramatic.”

Dramatic? Dramatic is Beyoncé smashing car windows with a baseball bat in Lemonade. Asking why you’re coming home at midnight smelling like cologne and regret is not dramatic; it’s accountability. Labelling her concerns as “drama” is not the power move you think it is. It’s the verbal equivalent of digging your own grave—and then falling into it.

6. “I just needed space.”

Ah, the space argument. Because nothing screams “I need alone time” like sneaking off with someone else. If you need space, how about going for a run? Meditating? Taking up woodworking? Cheating isn’t “space,” my guy. It’s cowardice dressed up as a midlife crisis. If you feel the need to say this, save everyone the trouble and book a therapist instead.

7. “I didn’t think it would hurt you.”

Let’s pause for a second. Did you really think sneaking around wouldn’t hurt her? Did you imagine she’d smile and say, “Oh, good for you! I’m so glad you’re exploring your options”? Cheating isn’t a harmless fling—it’s betrayal. If you genuinely think it won’t hurt, you need more than this guide. You need a reality check.

8. “I don’t even know why I did it.”

This one’s a classic. A man caught red-handed, grasping at straws, pretending his actions were some kind of cosmic accident. Let me help you out: you did it because you wanted to, and you thought you wouldn’t get caught. Owning up to your actions might not save the relationship, but at least it’ll save you from looking like a clueless fool.

9. “It didn’t mean anything.”

Oh, so it didn’t mean anything? You jeopardized your relationship for something that “didn’t mean anything”? If that’s the case, you might want to rethink your life choices. Saying this doesn’t make you look innocent—it makes you look reckless and indifferent. Two words that do not scream “relationship material.”

10. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This is not an apology. This is emotional deflection wrapped in faux remorse. If you’ve been caught, own it. Say, “I messed up.” Say, “I was selfish.” But don’t, under any circumstances, make it about her feelings. That’s not taking responsibility; that’s just being a walking red flag.

The Real Guide? Don’t Cheat.

Here’s the truth, men: cheating isn’t clever. It isn’t cool. It’s not a sign of power or charm. It’s a sign that you lack the courage to have honest conversations and the discipline to uphold your commitments. If you’re unhappy, say so. If you need something more, ask for it. But don’t resort to betrayal. Because no matter how you spin it, cheating leaves everyone—your partner, your side piece, and yourself—worse off.

So, if you’re still tempted to cheat, don’t bother memorising this guide. Instead, take a long, hard look in the mirror. Ask yourself why you’re willing to risk everything for so little. And then maybe, just maybe, grow up. Because the real flex? Being a man of integrity.